a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition.
Believe it or not, I used to own this album. Yes, ALBUM. As in vinyl record. It used to be one of my favorite obscure records to put on and listen to over and over. Remember the scratch of the needle when you put it on or took it off a record? Trying to get it precisely on the blank groove before the song you wanted hear from the beginning? Ah, the good ‘ol days! The Good “ol Days before April 26, 2012…Little did I know the foreshadowing of my favorite song from the 1970’s would turn out to be a condition I would live with for the rest of my life. Also hard to believe is it’s been 3 years since the day of the surgery for the sarcoma! 3 years ago April 26th, 2012 was the day. However, it wasn’t until a few days later when the angst began. That was when I was informed that they found the “margins were positive”. That meant there were microscopic cancer cells found in the area around the site where the tumor was removed. The plan for that was Chemo….the only issue was would it work? The bigger issue was how would I or the doctors know if it worked? Therein lies the ANGST…NO ONE KNOWS! There is no way to measure, test or determine if the chemo “took care of” those cells…so we wait……and wait….and wait…Its been 3 years of being NED (No Evidence of Disease). I don’t mean to make it sound like I am waiting for it to come back. Its more of a wait to see how long it stays away….is there a difference? I think its gone for good. Meanwhile, the song lingers in my head…as it says: “Give it a hundred years, it won’t go ‘way”
I know its been a while since the last update. There is only one thing I can say about that….There hasn’t been much to say. As another one of my favorite songs from the 70’s that was played on Dr. Demento says: “I’d have wrote you a letter but I couldnt spell *%$@##! and that’s all I got to say.” There really hasnt been much else to say about everything but that…It really sums up all my thoughts about the whole experience!
I wish I had something more inspiring or interesting to write or tell you about. I felt like I needed to vent a little bit and let you all know everything is going well. I really can’t ask for much better in the way things have played out. Every month I attend an online meeting through Sloan for Sarcoma patients. We all haved joked about how lucky we are to have got Sarcoma. In a way it has been a blessing. If you’re going to get cancer it is better to have a type that is not nearly as deadly as others can be. Although is heartbreaking to hear about people that have had recurrences or some sort of matastasis it is even worse to hear of people that have not survived some other form of cancer. I’m not religious at all but I came across a song from a southern gospel group called the Legacy Five that is very fitting…The chorus goes “when you wake up in the morning no matter how you hurt, be glad you’re still alive and on the right side of the dirt”.
Music and videos are a big part of these updates…I hope you get a chance to listen to and watch them…let me know if you like them. Thanks for reading. May you all be NED!